What the new male sex robot will teach you about yourself

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Have you been cowering behind the sofa since you heard the news? According to reports, a new male sex robot could be available to buy as early as this year. With his cold, dead eyes, rippling six-pack and hair that looks extremely flammable, it’s predicted this slick, sculpted, shagadelic android will soon be replacing regular guys in the bedroom, and beyond.

There’s no need to fear this robotic Romeo – he might actually do you a favour in the long run. If you’re going to outsmart him, you need to prove there’s no substitute for the human touch, which means looking within.

Stop worrying about your penis

iGigolo, or whatever his name is, has a range of up to twenty customisable members at his disposal which means there’s no point assuming your own pecker is going to outgun him. Plus, his dick is basically bionic, never gets tired, never frets about how it looks, or whether it will ever become erect. But before you become disheartened and start to feel inadequate, accept that your penis is most definitely not the most important part of your, um, whole package, and move on. Dick dramas instantly dismissed! What a world.

Accept your body type

Have you seen this sex robot? He’s lithe, ripped, shredded, and all that, but … he’s a doll. No chest hair, no quirky nipple, nothing. Just a sanitised, stain-repellant kitchen worktop with a bellybutton (and a bionic penis but let’s not dwell). Your body has character, unique to you – even if you spend all day at the gym and actually have a body like the robot, you’re still you. Unless you are the robot. Perhaps stay away from water until you’re quite sure.

Intimacy is key

Casanova 1.0 can, apparently, hold and squeeze their partners after sex, but is this really intimacy? Wouldn’t it feel like being hugged by a melamine coffee table? You don’t have to be in love to have sex, but even a one night stand with a stranger demands some level of intimacy for you to be into each other. This is your strength. Spooning, cuddling, passionate embraces – that plastic pleasure probe can’t compete.

You have lovely eyes

You probably do. They’ve got to be better than the robot’s. Imagine those two ice-cold buttons staring deep into your soul while he mercilessly pummels, until you press a button to make him stop. Sexy. Sure, customers buying this humping calculator can request “personalised eyeballs” – nice – but they’re no match for the real thing. Make the most of that glint in your eyes; it’s an advantage no human could resist.

You also have a tongue

So… use it.

Stamina and technique

OK, so back to this bionic penis. We need to address this. It will never get tired. Never. Like, it can go forever. Can you compete? No, but perhaps you can help improve your performance. Eat healthily, exercise regularly, drink less booze. This robot is going to be the strong, silent, unstoppable banging machine that never pauses for breath, or drunkenly belches “I love you” before rolling off, farting and falling asleep. Male sex robots will be able to thrust, squeeze, even carry their owner over the threshold – it’s time to train yourself into being that love machine you were destined to be.

There’s more to your relationship than sex

Until they invent a robot that can take your partner away on a surprise weekend, bring them a cup of tea in the morning, and tell them everything is going to be OK – and mean it – after a bad day at work, you’re always going to be in front, no matter how much that sentient self-checkout machine in a bad wig can pump away. There’s nothing like imminent replacement by a horny android to make you reevaluate how much your relationship means to you and how fulfilling you make it for your partner. So start today, before there’s a knock at the door and Metal Mickey gets his hands on the TV remote control.

You should probably do more round the house

If you want to prove a robot could never replace you, and the sex is great, maybe focus on other areas you’re lacking. Be more useful, make yourself indispensable in all aspects of your life. If your partner starts making enquiries about driverless cars and comes home one day with a Roomba, you’re in trouble.

There’s no substitute for wit

Apparently this rampant replicant will be able to hold simple conversations and can even come up with his own backstory – “my last partner didn’t understand me”, no doubt – but he’s no match for your charm. Your jokes may fall flatter than toast butter-side down and you could probably do with future-proofing your bantersaurus university tales, but a robot blurting out bon mots is no match for your lived experience and throaty chuckle.

Get to know your partner’s body more

Sex robots will eventually be smooth-talking cyborgs who can be programmed to map all your partner’s G-spots and will know their way around their anatomy like the back of their eerily smooth hand. Beat them to it by really getting involved in knowing that your partner does and doesn’t like, take an interest rather than being a fairly passive enthusiast of the parts that give you pleasure. And if you need any more of an incentive, remember: he has an unstoppable, inexhaustible, bionic penis. Save yourself.

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